A Probe Line: A Lesson in Avalanche Safety
Cast of Characters
1. Avalanche Rescue Leader, played by Greg Speicher/Darin Oósthusian
2. Line Coach, played by Kallie Kull
3. Prober#1-Jeff Tarmey, played by T. Sleckman
4. Prober#2, Peter Sporleder, played by Molly Anderson
5. Prober#3 Buddy, played by Darin Oósthusian
6. Cheery Kids played by Tim & Tracey Bonnet .
Props: 6+ beacons; 6+ adjustable poles; lycra polypro atire).
Opening Setting: A dim stage - a line of probers
Line Coach (Kallie): "Probe up, probe down, step forward...."
Avalanche Rescue Leader (Greg): (Rushes onstage). Hey, everybody - this just in over the wire. Major avalanche at Boreal Speedway. Victims include 2 snowboarders, their drugdealer, and a taco vendor. Apparently a low-flying airforce jet was doing loop-d-loops around the chair lift cable, and triggered a major slide with its sonic boom. So....This is an open call for a probe line, and I'm only taking 6 probers.
Light shines on prober#1. Tarmy squints forward.
Avalanche Rescue Leader: Done any broadway snows?
Tarmy: Un-un
Avalanche Rescue Leader: First audition?
Tarmy: Yep
Rescue Leader: You seem to have some experience with that probe. Where did you stick it before?
Tarmy: Well, I took OU’s avalanche rescue workshop with Jeff Petersen back in ‘88. I also did a lot of probing around Jacksons Hole......Wyo-ming..sort of ..."on my own".
Rescue Leader: You're in.
(Tarmy reacts with joy - "Yes")
Rescue Leader: Let’s see..... Ok, probers number 1, 4, and 9; you are excused. Yes, I know it's a dissappointment, but we're looking for certain types. Try CalAdventures ( 3 probers exit stage right)
You there . what’s your story.
Brown: I can remember the night like it was yesterday. It was back in 91. I was taking "Beacon in the Sand" with Steve Doxey. I was probing with Ann Cassidy. The moon was full...warm sea breezes...you
get the picture.
Rescue Leader: Ok...so....go on...
Brown: Well...uh....I couldn’t get my beacon up. (Falls to knees) Heck, I REALLY needs this probe.
Rescue Leader: To Line Coach. Well, Kallie, what do you think - kind of a hard luck case.
Line Coach: But he's got something - a kind of vulnerability. He’s put alot of energy into OU over the
years, and has attracted alot of females into the organization. I think he'll grow into a really enthusiastic prober.
Rescue Leader: OK. We'll give you a try.
(Brown reacts with eager "Arrugah")
Rescue Leader. To Buddy. Well, I never expected to see you trying out for my probe line. You know I still keep the side of the bed empty for you hoping you'll come back.
Buddy: woof-woof.
Rescue Leader: Let me tell you the story of a young pharocology student, who threw away a life of power and leisure at Walgreend, to live in a modest house in the Sacromento, and hunt for hypothermic deadbeats on the weekends. That man was me....Buddy!!! Come home!!!
Buddy: woof-woof.
Rescue Leader: What do you mean: Get Lost Beanhead.
Buddy: woof-woof.
Rescue Leader: We were a team, we had it all...
Buddy: woof-woof.
Rescue Leader: Ok, if that's how you feel, I'll give you no special treatment. You have to
make it on your own like these low-rent floosies. You'll see what it's like to beg and
heel.
Rescue Leader: What are the 3 forms of metamorphisis?
Buddy: Woof…Yelp…Grrrr
Rescue Leader: Yes, granular!! What noises do you listen for, to tell that a slope is about to slide?
Buddy: Whumph
Rescue Leader: (smirking) Still the stubborn bitch. I can't say no - you've earned a spot on my
probe line.
"Light shines on Cheery Couple for siloquey" Hopeful Couple (Tim & Tracey) -
Tim: Gee I hope we make it - we're two perkey TBSP volunteers - we put in at least a hundred hours a week. We tie knots with our teeth, and attend medical school on the weekends. And we drive 4 wheel drive Subarus Outbacks -
Tracey: We can't miss we love snow business)
[Expand exchange with CHEERY COUPLE - ONE STAYS; ON GOES]
Rescue Leader: Now, Kallie, your Line Coach, will walk you thru the steps.
(Music)
Line Coach; (breathily) Thanks, Gre-hunk-g. This will be easy. Now, I want everyone to start out with a hastey search, Probe up, step forward, probe down, step forward... Wonderful, Everyone doing so well.
Rescue Leader: Ok, Let's try the song. Here's your sheet music. (hands out sheets) Listen for the beat.
5-6-7-8
(Piano comes in.....)
SONG
ONE slim chance in a hundred
You would make it out alive
ONE small piece of equipment
Can make sure you survive
You know your avalanche beacon
Is your best friend
Your buddies can detect the signals that
It can send
Just loosen up your backpack
Loosen up your ski bindings
Float, swim amid the debris
Oh! How you do that thing!
Remember that personal safety
Is number ONE
The second consideration is
Having fun.
Wooooo...hhhyyyy.nooot
Rescue Leader:
Ok, probers. Let’s get those stiffs. (Exit Stage Right with yeee-haaa cheer and poles extended)